The Care and Feeding of Your Penis Tree
Inspired by: Penis Tree, from Romance of the Rose manuscript (France) 14th Century
Winner of the Ekphrastic Flash Fiction (sex challenge) in the Ekphrastic Review
Penis trees are fun to raise, and they provide the owner with a magical sense of power and purpose. They give the gardener a ready answer to the question, “Do you have the balls for that?” Some say the penis has a mind of its own. You can keep yours in line and happy with the proper treatment.
- Choose the location for your tree carefully. The roots thrive in soft, wet, warm soil.
- Space out your trees so they do not become root-bound.
- Penis trees are an invasive species. Do not plant them close to other shrubberies. Avoid placing them near pussy willows and untrimmed bushes, especially if they have chlamydia.
- Water on a regular basis. Nothing is worse than a dry penis. Lack of adequate hydration can lead to shrinkage: so, can cold water.
- Keep your trees in low light. A sunburnt penis is a nightmare.
- Keep your penises away from moist environments. Jock itch can make them grumpy and unattractive.
- Transplant your trees as often as you like. They enjoy gentle pulling and tugging and new spaces to explore.
- Occasional fertilizing is recommended. Try stroking its ego or just stroke it. You will know it’s successful if the penises grow.
- Prune carefully when it is time. Balls should stay with their original penis.
Keep your penis tree contented, and you will have an unusual plant for years to come. It is not that hard.